The Single Biggest Mistake You’re Making in Your Relationship
It’s much more common than you think
Let me ask you something…
How healthy is your relationship?
Is it growing a little stronger every day, or are you finding it more and more difficult to rekindle the intoxicating connection that used to be?
The reason I ask is because I’m noticing a lot of people making the same mistakes over and over again with their partners.
And even though these same people say they want a healthy relationship — and they get upset, agitated, and annoyed when they don’t have one — their actions completely contradict that sentiment, and they continue doing things that make it impossible to foster something rewarding and beautiful.
One of the biggest mistakes?
Keeping secrets, lying, and withholding information.
Seems like an obvious mistake, right? I mean, it’s common sense not to lie, keep secrets, or withhold information from your partner, isn’t it? Unfortunately, though, common sense isn’t always common practice…
… and many a good relationship has fallen apart because of it.
So, how can you tell if what you’re doing is causing damage to your relationship? Or better yet, if what you’re doing is actually wrong?
Let’s answer this with an example:
Meet Candice.
Stay-at-home Mom. Married for 5 years. 2 kids in elementary school. And when it comes to her marriage, things are looking pretty dicey.
Her and her husband are always fighting. They don’t make time to connect anymore. Their intimacy has fizzled into nothingness. And they can never quite find themselves on the same page about anything.
To her, it makes absolutely no sense why their marriage is in the dumps. And she often blames her husband for not trying to rekindle their romance. So, in a fit of desperation, she decides marriage counselling is the only answer.
Only problem is…
Candice has a secret — she’s been sneaking off to smoke cigarettes behind her husband’s back for years, even though she knows he hates it and told him she quit shorty after they got married.
Most nights, she’ll wait until he’s fast asleep and then sneak outside for a few quick drags. Then she’ll rush inside, scrub her hands clean, brush her teeth, and do everything she can to get rid of the smell. It’s a very stressful ordeal for her — and she’s always wondering if he knows what she’s doing.
Luckily for her, he doesn’t. He’s completely oblivious, actually.
But if he ever found out, she’s terrified he‘ll divorce her.
Yet she wonders why her marriage is in the dumps…
Can you see the problem here?
Candice is confused why her marriage is failing yet she’s sneaking off to do something she knows her husband despises. She’s keeping secrets and withholding information that she knows would ruin their relationship.
She’s even willing to go marriage counselling to fix what’s broken.
Seems rather delusional, don’t you think?
She blames her husband for not trying to rekindle their romance, yet she chooses to systematically destroy that relationship each time she slips outside to sneak another cigarette.
Now let me ask you this…
What do you think’s going to happen when they go to counselling?
Will things get better or worse?
That’s a great question.
And, to frame that question properly, you have to consider a few things:
- Candice has been smoking cigarettes behind her husband’s back for years,
- Candice also thinks it’s her husband’s fault why the spark in their marriage has disappeared, and…
- Candice is also the one suggesting they go to marriage counselling.
From Candice’s perspective, she hasn’t done anything wrong and she’s hoping counselling will help her husband open up about his dissatisfaction.
She thinks if they can speak honestly to each other, they’ll be able to figure out where everything went wrong and potentially fix their relationship.
But here’s the thing…
They don’t need counselling.
That would be a waste of time for them right now.
Why? Because Candice hasn’t even been honest with her husband yet.
And what she doesn’t understand is that, in the very act of keeping secrets, lying, and withholding information, she’s giving off an energy that isn’t conducive to health and growth — in fact, the very environment she’s creating is more conducive to decay to destruction.
She’s constantly watching her back. She’s constantly looking over her shoulder. And she’s constantly worried he’s going to find out what she’s been doing. It’s no wonder their marriage is in the dumps.
And the worst part is that she’s suggesting marriage counselling when all she has to do is be open and honest with her husband first. Until she’s done that, there’s no fixing the relationship anyway — honesty must come first.
So she has two choices:
- She can reveal the secret to her husband herself, or…
- She can let a counsellor pull it out of her and blindside/embarrass him.
Either way is going to hurt — but if she reveals the secret herself, it’ll look a lot better than having someone else fish it out of her.
Now, that’s not to say the relationship will be fixed once this is out in the open. It’s up to her husband to determine what he wants to do with that information. But he can’t even make that determination unless he knows what’s going on. So step #1 is to be open and honest. Crazy, right?
Who would’ve thought honesty could be so valuable in a relationship?
Candice is looking for someone else to save her marriage, but she’s the one who’s systematically destroying it. The irony writes itself, doesn’t it?
Anyway, the reason I share this story with you is because I want you to reflect on something really important…
… and if you’re finding that your own relationship isn’t as strong as it used to be… or you’re wondering where all the excitement has gone… or you’re upset with how disconnected the two of you have become….
… then ask yourself this question:
Am I — or have I been — withholding any information from my partner that I know would upset them to find out?
If the answer to that question is yes, then you have two options:
- Find the courage to be honest and tell them about it, or…
- Grab some popcorn and watch as your relationship crumbles to pieces.
You might not think they’ll ever find out your secret, but they will.
And until they do, you’ll be feeding your relationship with a destructive energy that can do nothing more than slowly destroy it.
The choice, of course, is yours. Will you step up and do the right thing?
Halt right there!
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